this scene is so ((un)intentionally) gay i just cant.

even written out it’s like so bonkersly subtext with so much (and so fucking awkward(ly acted)) and the filler words (“MAN”) and saying each other’s character’s name like every other word, and this weird desperate feeling you’re watching a lover try to keep their lover from walking out on them, and despite it appearing from an outsider’s perspective to be a bizarrely controlling and possibly emotionally abusive relationship you really do ultimately want that exhausted person to just give in and stay — one must assume their dialogue was completely improvised.

And that the sexual tension was so out of control that they couldn’t fucking keep it in their pants to make the scene work. And by “keep it in their pants” i mean make the scene not so horrifically awkward that i cannot keep a straight face while watching them. There is so much tongue action in this scene it’s obscene. Like literally, the scene is less than 2 minutes long and it’s at least 84% tongue in various states and positions.

Anyways. I’m fucking obsessed with this scene and have been meaning to discuss it.  This deleted scene – which doesn’t seem to appear on any copy of the film since its release and appears to have only been shown one night on FX as some kind of like gift to humanity (as a human, MYGOD YOU ARE THE BEST FX, PLEASE HAVE ALL MY BABIES) during the broadcast of the film, which then thankfully, some amazing people with the worst TV and recording device capabilities ever, captured this deleted scene and uploaded it to YouTube – to be enjoyed by all the future generations of this earth, conceived, I have to imagine, by women so turned-on by the insanely homoerotic subtext that they rode their boyfs, husbands, one-night-stands, into puresexbliss following a stumble upon it during a very random, but fortuitous google search – this deleted scene is so so so complex in its awkwardness that I felt just watching it is not enough to truly get it.

When written-out, it becomes uber-apparent how fucking bonkers this scene is, how ridiculously inexplicable it even came to be and why it was subsequently deleted (probably because it meant absolutely nothing to the actual story of the movie and would’ve probably left quite a few audience-goer confused (possibly even sexually-so), as well as definitely turned-on and would’ve resulted in at least a bit of the audience wondering when that other guy’s boyfriend would just forgive him for whatever happened and just come back and maybe would he ultimately be the deus ex machina and save him – is this why we’re being subjected to a 2minute scene of these two insanely attractive men who definitely appear to have a fondness for touching one another and staring deep into each others eyes and some kind of mouth-thing what do you call it, oh, an oral fixation, like is this why we’re being introduced to this guy in relation to the main character – oh wait, no? he has no real bearing on the rest of the film or storyline what-so-ever? huh. well, i guess that was weird. oh well. he sure was pretty to look at for 1 minute and 51 seconds. …..I wish he’d come back at some point. oh? he doesn’t? well why the fuck are we sitting here watching him in a GD PHONEBOOTH WHEN WE COULD BE WORKING TO BRING THEM BACK TOGETHER – THEIR LOVE IS SO POWERFULLLL AND PURE!!

So, like I imagine that ^^ would be the typical response – *if* this scene had ever been kept in the final cut of the film. Anyways. Here’s the scene in text form:

PHONE BOOTH – DELETED SCENE

We focus in on Times Square – New York City. Manhattan. Isle of Man. It is erratic: people are walking every which way; taxi horns blare; some how over the roar of the city that never sleeps, we are able to make out the faint SoundFX ring of a 2000 mobile phone.

STU (Colin Farrell – trying his goddamn most-masculine best at a New York(?) accent) (Voice Over):  You got Stu.

BOBBY (Jared Leto – trying his goddamn semi-masculine-ok-well-not-really-at-all-masculine-how-masculine-can-you-be-when-you-have-The-Rachel-bob-and-the-prettiest-eyes-and-bone-structure-ever-given-to-a-human-being-on-earth-as-we-may-ever-know-it-best) (Voice Over):Stu! Bobby, man.

BOBBY/LETO (CONTINUED) (Off-Camera): Still leaving you, man. But…

EXTERIOR: ALLEYWAY
Farrell walks on screen out from the emergency exit of a theater (I guess?).

STU/FARRELL: Bobby, I’m right here.

Farrell walks down the emergency exit stairs (I mean….) holding his mobile phone and gesturing emphatically.

Leto walks just beyond the emergency exit stairs (let’s just go with it) also speaking on his mobile phone (despite Farrell now being for sure within immediate hear-able range). Leto turns dramatically, his choppy long layered hair, ends died a blindingly-blond, swings, struggling to keep up with what has now secured his attention. 

Farrell closes the mobile phone and hurries down to catch up with Leto.

STU/FARRELL (CONT’D): I’ve been over at Vanity Fair – talking you up!

BOBBY/LETO: AWWW JEEZE! LOOK, WHAT IS THE POINT, MAN??? You know I’m grateful to you I just need to make some changes.

Farrell dashes up, finally reaching his prize. He smiles, almost subconsciously; he tries to hide it; he looks down.

STU/FARRELL: Bobby, put down the phone. I’m right here.

Leto twirls, phone still to his ear, his hand over his heart.

STU/FARRELL (CONT’D): Put down the phone.

Leto puts down the phone. FINALLY. Like, Babydoll I was starting to get worried about you…
The two men turn to look at each other. Face to Face.

Behind them, with enough space between them to keep it unobstructed, is a large poster of the Play/Musical(?) starring Bobby/Leto – as, what one can only assume, a vampire.

STU/FARRELL (CONT’D): Do you know why you wanna leave? Do you really know?

BOBBY/LETO (breathy): Yeah…

STU/FARRELL: All right. Tell me specifics.

BOBBY/LETO: You’re great for the theater – but I need someone on the west coast. Everybody tells me.

STU/FARRELL (defensive): Who’s this??

BOBBY/LETO: My new agent, my lawyer. My-my-my fiancée.

STU/FARRELL (visibly distressed): Your fiancée? Tonya? Who introduced you to Tonya??

Awkward pause. Leto licks his lips as he thinks. He looks off – avoiding eye contact with Farrell.

BOBBY/LETO: …You did.

Farrell puts his hands on his hips and nods.

STU/FARRELL (doing his very best Robert DeNiro): That’s right. And—

Farrell glances behind him suddenly. At what – we do not yet know. He moves closer to Leto.

STU/FARRELL (CONT’D) (voice dropping): —and I couldn’t let you hang in the wind? When those tabloids find the tapes of you and
(SUDDENLY SHOUTY) YOUR MALE TRAINER???!?!!?

Leto has had ENUFF of this abuse and he won’t stand there and take it anymore. He folds his arms over his chest and storms past Farrell who pivots on his heels and follows Leto closely as he stalks down the alley – New York alleybreeze blowing his lovely locks away from his impeccable high cheekbones.

OLD BITCH (Off-Camera): Could I bother you—?

Leto approaches her with a gorgeous smile on his face – hiding the embarrassment and pain of having to go through this shit. Again. Will he ever learn? Old Bitch holds out a pen and paper. We have no idea where she’s come from or how long she’s been watching these two lovely men have what she can only assume is one of their routine lovers’ quarrels. She wonders if she will ever love again… when you are as lonely as she is, even the daily spars with someone you know inside and out would be warmly welcomed. Sigh.

BOBBY/LETO (well-rehearsed, warmly): Sure.

He takes the pen from her and the program (previously referred to as paper because it’s basically impossible to tell what is going on here half the time because the quality is like someone put some Vaseline over the lens and then subsequently tried to get it off with sandpaper after realizing Vaseline is not great for crisp quality but then not realizing sandpaper might be worse.)

OLD BITCH: —for an autograph for my niece. She thinks you’re the tip top!

(Niece, off-screen, portrayed by Me, uncredited cameo.)

OLD BITCH (CONT’D): —her name is Chloe.

Camera pulls back as Leto dramatically flips his hair off his face, revealing Farrell standing directly behind him, a bit to the side. His face glowing with pride over this moment.

Leto begins to sign the program, biting his bottom lip whilst doing so, as Farrell begins to speak closely to him, falling out of his New York accent. As he speaks he stares only into Leto’s face – as if Leto were, in this single moment, the sun.

STU/FARRELL: Recognized around the world…

He notices the Old Bitch.

STU/FARRELL (CONT’D): How you doin’?

Leto is still signing the program. Very likely this moment is capturing perhaps one of the very first Bart Cubbins drawings.

OLD BITCH: Ohhhh thank you! Thank you!!

Leto hands the program back to her and is suddenly pulled away by Farrell, his hand grasped tightly to Leto’s upper arm; as he is pulled away, Leto gives us all another opportunity to enjoy a letostyle hair flip. Hypnotizing us with his intoxicating allure.

We hear faintly:

OLD BITCH (Off-Camera) (angrily): Her name’s not spelled with a K!!

Farrell leads him back down the alleyway away from the Old Bitch, now tenderly by his hand. He pulls Leto close to him as Leto’s bi-color bob bobs up and down.

Farrell looks back at the Old Bitch, over Leto’s shoulder.He turns to him.

STU/FARRELL (regarding Old Bitch): Thank you.

Farrell touches Leto’s chest briefly – as if he truly would like to connect to him in this moment. For it may just be their last. Leto inexplicably juts his tongue sharply against his cheek, within his mouth, and runs it lengthwise along the interior side of his cheek.

STU/FARRELL (CONT’D): You know what your problem is?

Leto looks put out for a microsecond, that look dissolving into hurt. He takes a step back. He then takes a step toward Farrell.

BOBBY/LETO (shaken up, breaking): Yeah, the problem is…

(He lowers his voice into a near-whisper, looking deep into Farrel’s eyes.)

BOBBY/LETO (CONT’D): …I need a change.

STU/FARRELL (visibly upset): No no no no – the problem is: I love you too much.

Leto turns his head away as if he’s heard this spiel every day for the last 5 years.

BOBBY/LETO: Oooh God.

STU/FARRELL (desperation building): I’ve been with you since your first infomercial!

Leto turns his attention back – his tongue peeking out to lick his lips and then quickly looks the other way, avoiding Farrell’s insistent stare. He runs his hand through his hair, thoughtfully.

STU/FARRELL (CONT’D): I walked you through your first Broadway theater. And I—

Leto pauses, sighs audibly, looking down at what would be in his direct eyeline, Farrell’s chest. Farrell moves closer, looking directly at Leto’s face, his eyes still unable to meet Farrell’s.

STU/FARRELL (CONT’D) (pleading): —and Bobby, I’m sorry, but I wanna take you up that red carpet at your first movie premier.

He moves his hands to Leto’s chest. Leto, pauses, still thinking.

STU/FARRELL (CONT’D) (pleading builds): Alright, now I do not have an ego – if you leave me, of course I’ll take you back—

Leto finally, ever-so-delicately, tilts his head, bringing his eyes back up to Farrell’s face.

STU/FARRELL (CONT’D) (the amount of pleading is becoming upsetting): —any day of the week, I’ll take you back.

They pause to look at one another.

STU/FARRELL (CONT’D): After you see the piranhas(??? i literally have no idea what word he said here – I played it back like 94 times) in LA, you’re gonna beg to come back, I’m telling you, trust me.

CLOSEUP on Leto. He is stoic-looking, but his truth is revealed in the worrying of his bottom lip, as he wavers on Farrell’s final plea. His eyes locked on Farrell’s.

Leto looks down and takes a deep breath. He looks up suddenly to meet eyes with Farrell.

BOBBY/LETO (whispers): I gotta pack.

He takes as step back. Farrell takes a step forward, reaches for Leto’s arm.

STU/FARRELL (pleading…. again): Ok – hey! Meditate on it?

Leto takes another step back. Farrell steps forward again and grabs his arm again. We see just behind Leto a small crowd of people standing at the doorway to the alley. They appear to be mostly comprised of women.

STU/FARRELL (CONT’D) (pleading again, like c’mon, Cols, I CANTWITHYOU): That’s all I ask.

Leto moves back again a few steps, his tongue appearing again to wet his lips. Farrell follows, holding onto his arm for dear life.

BOBBY/LETO (hesitantly): Sure.

Farrell stops him and draws in close. He brings Leto’s head close to his, delicately patting his cheek as he embraces him tightly.

STU/FARRELL: All right – call me later.

Leto holds his head up, trying to keep himself from being sucked into this game for another round. The hug lingers. Leto’s face shows frustration, annoyance, fear over falling for this all over again.

STU/FARRELL (still holding the embrace): Remember, who loves you, Bobby?

Farrell turns to see Leto’s face, hoping he looks just as sure as Farrell feels in that moment; however seeing a way out Leto breaks the embrace and Farrell’s looks stunned, hurt almost, the security he held in his heart shattering in just a few seconds as Leto shuffles back from him. Farrell lets his hand drop to Leto’s chest, pausing for a moment over his heart.

Realizing he’s losing him perhaps for real, Farrell raises the hand from over Leto’s heart and slaps him quickly but gently on the cheek – then turns away, out of frame.

Leto turns slowly, his face running through a series of emotions as he collects himself following that confrontation and embrace. He is at once relieved, pained, troubled, but is immediately greeted by fans waiting outside the alleyway holding out programs for him to sign. He forges ahead with a smile as fake as his blonde tips.

BOBBY/LETO (OFF-CAMERA) (overly enthusiastic): HOW YOU GUYS DOIN’???

Camera cuts to Farrell. Standing back – watching Leto adjust to the moment.

BOBBY/LETO (OFF-CAMERA): You liked the show?

Farrell’s face is stressed, his mind clearly elsewhere, absent. He sighs, pained. He runs his tongue along his lips, still watching Leto from afar.

STU/FARRELL (feigning enthusiasm): Go, Bobby!

FADE TO BLACK.

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