I have to say, you made a very hot woman.

i kinda love and kinda feel sad about how critical he is of himself as rayon.

like, i love that he was disappointed that he wasn’t as pretty as the thought he’d be as a woman – that he felt his jaw was too strong, his hands too masculine.

like, just the overall idea that he wanted to be prettier but was limited by his god-given features (which are exceptional in so many ways). i love it.

because it is entirely the experience a woman goes through, basically from the time when she becomes self-aware of the differences between her physical looks and her socially-constructed concept of what makes a woman “beautiful”, physically; from that point until the moment she dies.

tho you go thru phases, mainly with age, of finding parts of yourself you love and adore; you know what you highlight and what you hide.

just as he did as rayon.

and yet as much as i love that fact, that he was hyper-aware of his looks in relation to his idea of what makes a woman “beautiful” – there’s that feeling of sadness too. like when a friend hates her nose or her eyes or her lips and you’re like: wtf, you’re gorgeous. you’re you. and that’s beautiful. so, like, shut the fuck up. 

like, you see that beauty, and you feel sad that they don’t.

looking at rayon – sure, she had that one wig that looked better than the others, or more complimentary makeup in one scene versus another – sexier shoes, a cuter purse – but overall, she was gorgeous because of what she radiated. no matter what.

even drowning in Ron’s borrowed suit, breaking down in front of her father.

even tortured in the throes of addiction and self-hate, self-doubt and death.
she had that je ne sais quoi that was unlike anyone else in the film.
unlike most people we know in our real lives.

and granted, jared’s relationship to her is probably the deepest he’s ever had for a character he’s portrayed, and it doesn’t have a thing to do with the accolades. he knows her on levels that none of us ever will – no matter how many times we get caught in the deep pools of her insanely luminescent irises – but i still feel a bit sad he will probably never truly see himself as her, as we saw her.

which was with a beauty that was just truly beyond. 

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